Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
