she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
