i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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