I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
