I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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