everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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