I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
