do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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