I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize