Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
