Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize