I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
