we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
