just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
vagina is talking i cant
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
