I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
