I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
