At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize