I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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