I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
