Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
