I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i dont even know how to be here
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
