Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
