oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
