you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
