i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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