He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
