Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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