The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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