i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
