did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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