My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
