my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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