Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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