i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
