I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
