Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
