Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
