I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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