Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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