You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
