I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
