just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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