I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
