DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
