Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
