Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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