That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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