were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
