Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
