she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
