I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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