after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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