Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
