there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
