Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
