I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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