I hate your face
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
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