We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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