You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Randomize
