i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
