i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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