Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
