I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
