I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
