update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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