It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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